We know what the stars have in store for you this month.
April is a busy month for all the signs; new hopes, viruses, desires, political unrest, unrealistic expectations and all that jazz. Here’s your cosmic reality check for the month.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Happy birthday Aries! Too bad you’re such a mess. Sure, you have many ideas, but you’re also in a state of utter confusion. Sucks to be you this month, you impatient dumbfuck. The good news: there’s tons of birthday sex heading your way.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Did the good start to the month fool you into believing you’re gonna shit fairy dust? Lol. The bull in you needs to go to sleep before it becomes your worst enemy. Do that & no seasoned matador will be able to stop you from achieving your goals.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Tin man turned functioning human with a heart? A1 effort, Gemini. The universe rewards you with the climax to your movie. Get your mind out of the gutter. We don’t mean an orgasm, (although it certainly wouldn’t hurt).
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
The world is a bitch and so is the universe. But don’t let that get you down Cancer, because so are you. A bad bitch. Use your tension & doubts to bring yourself inner strength. Wake the tiger inside you & turn these obstacles into your little bitch too.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
The universe is scared shitless of you, Leo. Probably why your April started off peachy. Keep in mind real life isn’t one of your lame jokes that warrant pity laughs from your friends though. It’s sink or swim and we wanna hear you roar.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
We know you’re having a shitty month so here’s some good news for you (FUCKING FINALLY, amirite?) Mid - April is when you’ll really hit your stride. Your stars will align and all that jazz. You’ll have great ideas and make the right decisions. Yay you!
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Note this down Libra, April is gonna be a real roller coaster for you. Complete with a fickle mind and mood swings worse than PMS. Our suggestion? Stick to your gut and make choices with love. You’ll get the clarity you so desperately desire, and deserve.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
What’s a flowery word for colossal face dive off a cliff ? Well Scorpio, if you give up when the going gets tough and don’t grow a pair soon, that’s what April has in store for you. You’re a sugar coated mess so clean yourself up. Don’t say we didn’t warn y’all.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Your enthusiasm & energy this month is infectious & borderline nauseating. It’s worked for you, though. Sit back and take a much needed breath because being the human equivalent of a phone charger for your loved ones can’t be easy!
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
You need to get laid, Capricorn. It’s as simple as that. All work and no play won’t get you too far if your personal life sucks balls. (Pun intended) Don’t forget, business isn’t the only thing you can be on the top in, and it’s more fun in bed. Trust us.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
You’ve basically been playing freeze tag with your life ever since the pandemic hit. Rest assured though, Aquarius, by the end of this month, you’re gonna be an unstoppable blob of confidence. We mean that in a good way.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
‘Mistake’ is your middle name. You’ve been trying to rectify those though, & the universe wants to reward you with recognition & orgasms this April. Don’t waste your good luck - we wish our good luck included loads of sex. Get to swiping already!
Disclaimer: The predictions listed above are meant to be taken with a pinch of salt. But if you didn’t know that already, we feel sorry for you. Also, the thing about astrology is that you can choose to take it seriously or dismiss it altogether. We’ll leave it up to you.